Something I struggle with is putting my feelings on paper.
I’ve always thought I was a good verbal processor when it comes to my feelings.
That might be true.
Lately I’ve felt overwhelmed, sad and discouraged.
It’s not that I walk around with those feelings constantly.
But I feel those emotions weekly… not necessarily daily. Sometimes daily.
I’ve been working to see spiritual formation or the character of Christ formed in some of our best leaders in our church and in recent months I’ve become aware of deeper roots of sin than I realized were present among them.
I want to see a healthy and thriving church flourishing and sustainable but after four years it seems like we are in the same place numerically and spiritually. At least that’s the way it seems.
Are things usually the way they seem?
Am I not doing something I should be doing?
Am I doing something I shouldn’t be doing?
Have I been too quick to identify leaders with serious character flaws?
Are these questions motivated by an underlying sense of guilt, fear or conviction?
I feel a mixture of disappointment and fear for my friends. I wonder if I am in any way trying to take responsibility for things that are outside my control.
Despite the feelings. Despite the questions. Despite the depression. Despite the struggle with introspection. I sense the Lord’s provision of strength and encouragement.
John 15 and 17 have been my main diet of spiritual nourishment along with Ephesians, Colossians, Romans and Galatians in their entirety.
We have a wonderful Savior in Christ who not only prayed passionately for us but also suffered greatly in the foxhole of shepherding ministry. I’ll never fully know the depths of commitment and pain that Jesus gave himself to on my behalf.
What about the heart of the Apostle Paul as he labored for the gospel to flourish among the people and churches he planted? It’s helpful to hear Paul’s words. Helpful to hear the Father’s words through Paul. Helpful to be reminded that I’m not alone.
Add to this steady diet this other realization.
At this time, no one that I am currently walking with is standing in open opposition or resistance to my efforts or labor of leading.
It’s actually quite the opposite.
The people I roll with seem to be genuinely desiring to change and are actively taking baby steps to grow.
My prayer is this… “Lord give me the will to persevere, the presence of mind to speak words of encouragement and rebuke in a timely and gentle manner. Remind me that Jesus is not my work… I am your work!”