I arrive at this passage with a very real and a very emotional and a very raw and a very passionate sense of fear. Fear of the Lord. Fear for you. And fear for myself. Nevertheless, this is God’s Word. God’s Word is faithful and true. And on the truth of his Word I will stand today and I pray that you will join me too. And that brings me to the text in front of us.
Ephesians 5:22 – 33…
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Introduction…
I have anticipated this passage with great fear from the moment we began our study in Ephesians over a year ago. I’ve looked forward to it with fear for a couple of different reasons.
Number one, this passage is God’s Word to us regarding the marriage relationship. This is a very serious subject for us in a day and age where marriage inside the church looks no different than marriage outside the church. The divorce rates inside the church mirror the culture around us. The way we pursue romantic relationships as Christians doesn’t look radically different than the culture around us either. This realization should cause us inside the church to slow down and stand in fear. But sadly, this passage barely gets a head nod from people who are married or are pursuing romance within the church.
What happened to the concepts of courtship and purity and accountability and teachability? What happened to the concept of walking in holiness in regards to relationships? Where are the women today who are willing to do anything to protect their purity? Where are the men today who will lead courageously by not asking a woman to put herself in situations where she and he may run over the edge of the cliff of sin?
Sadly, these concepts of self-sacrifice and servant-hood and holiness have gone by the wayside under the banner of “legalism” or “that’s old fashioned”. The result of this is rising divorce rates and increasing sexual sin within the church. It should not be this way. Period. And this passage could transform the way the church walks out her calling to walk in holiness as a Spirit filled bride of a crucified and resurrected Savior. That’s the weight of this passage.
Number two, this passage is controversial in our culture because the instructions contained within it have controversial language and they’ve been abused. Words like submit and headship have a tendency to conjure up negative reactions and they’ve been misused and abused mostly by little boys with facial hair and women who are emotionally broken.
I’ve heard stories from so-called men who have used these words to manipulate and belittle and shape their wives into their own little idols until they became disgusted with them (because that’s what happens when an idol doesn’t produce what it promises to produce) and then they toss them aside for another woman or a vocational pursuit or some random hobby that seems like more fun than her.
I’ve observed, with great anger and frustration, so-called men, using these words to force women to do sexual things that are obviously sinful, to fashion women into their personal house maids and to satisfy their own inner sense of inferiority and insecurity. On the other hand I’ve observed passive and fearful men who refuse to step into their God given responsibility to lovingly and sacrificially lead their wives.
Usually I observe a mixture of both in men. At times a man is totally passive because he’s afraid of making the wrong decision so he let’s his wife make all the decisions until one of those decisions infringes on some deeply held belief he has and at that point he unloads on her until she quote unquote submits to him and does what he wants. This is not the picture of Christlike headship that Paul has in mind here. Furthermore, we have an entire generation of little girls and little boys growing up with this kind of leadership as their example. What kind of outcome do we expect to get from this? What will our sons and our daughters become under this kind of leadership? Heaven help us.
Number three, I have personally blown it majorly with this passage in my own personal life. I’ve spent years ruthlessly learning to apply this passage to my own marriage and it hasn’t been pretty. And not only that, but as the Spirit of God has produced more and more Christlikeness in me I have become increasingly more and more confrontational with men and women on this subject. And the result of that has been some personal suffering.
Men who can’t go a day without watching porn have accused me of being too hard on them and too easy on their wives. Men who jump from one woman to the next in the church and continue to “mistakenly fall into sexual sin with these women” have left when confronted after ignoring repeated warnings of what was ahead for them while calling me overbearing. Women who want to excuse the behavior of these men have accused me of being unloving and divisive. So the personal suffering attached to this passage runs deep for me.
Therefore, I arrive at this passage with a very real and a very emotional and a very raw and a very passionate sense of fear. Fear of the Lord. Fear for you. And fear for myself. Nevertheless, this is God’s Word. God’s Word is faithful and true. And on the truth of his Word I will stand today and I pray that you will join me too. And that brings me back to the text in front of us.
The Text…
I think what Paul is doing here is he’s drawing a line in the sand. He’s been instructing the Ephesians on the practicalities of walking in a manner that is worthy of their two-fold calling. They are called to follow Christ and called to serve Christ by serving people. And last week we learned what it means to be a Spirit filled follower of Christ who walks in wisdom and walks in sobriety and is full of praise and thankfulness and submission.
So Paul’s instructions here for husbands and wives (22-33), parents and children (6:1-4), masters and bondservants (6:5-9) is set in the context of being a Spirit filled follower of Christ who is submitted first of all to Christ as our sacrificial authoritative head and then submitted second of all to one another within the chain of authority. Don’t miss the context because context dictates the interpretation. And the major themes we should interpret in the text before us are the themes of authority and submission.
Authority is and has always been an issue. The word itself causes certain levels of discomfort and anxiety in us because authority is more often abused and neglected then it is performed responsibly. With great power and authority comes great responsibility and the responsible execution of self-sacrificing, others-serving authority doesn’t get much press time because it’s not negative newsworthy.
The representation of authority in our culture and sadly oftentimes in the church is either aggressive or passive. Power is often wielded not for the benefit of those less fortunate or for the benefit of those with less authority. Power is often wielded for the benefit of the powerful to capitalize on their out of control desires. The wake of disaster in this epidemic of authority dysfunction leaves men, women, children and entire communities reeling with wounds and hurts that feel too deep to heal. It leaves people imprisoned with sin that feels too strong to overpower.
And into this chaos steps the gospel. The good news of the gospel comes to us in human form in the face of Jesus hanging on a cross, beaten to a bloody pulp, struggling against the nails that he’s hanging from as he struggles to catch his breath. The one who wields the greatest power in the entire universe displays his power in the biggest human spectacle of self-sacrifice and sacrificial service the world has ever seen. This is where we come to this text.
We come to this text under the tension of our own misguided failures and Christ’s bloodbath of a sacrifice. We must come to this text under the shadow of the cross of Christ where our sin was laid upon the sinless Godman. Come to this passage with your pride, thinking that you aren’t that bad or that we aren’t that bad and you diminish the power of Christ’s work at that cross and you will inevitably twist this passage for your own gain.
The Biblical concept of submission was never meant to promote personal gain. The Biblical concept of submission was meant to promote healthy, God-honoring, sacrificial, servant-minded relationships. Those principles (healthy, God-honoring, sacrificial, servant-minded relationships) go both ways. Submission and authority, when performed from a kneeled posture under the bloody cross of our Savior is where these principles take shape.
This is what enables Paul to say in verses 22 – 24, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” As we look at these verses I want to hone in on three phrases.
Phrase #1: Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Phrase #2: The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Phrase #3: As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Let’s take these phrases one at a time.
#1: Wives’ submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord…
What does this mean? What does this look like? How does a woman put this into practice? Let’s begin with what this phrase does not mean. This phrase does not mean that women are to submit to the dictator like leadership of a man. This phrase does not mean that a woman must submit and surrender to the abusive, self-serving, self-absorbed leadership of a man. This phrase does not mean that a woman who separates from her abusive, self-serving, self-absorbed husband is being disobedient to the command to submit.
Paul’s instruction here is for wives to submit to their husbands in the same way as they submit to the Lord. Our Father in Heaven is not a dictator. God is not abusive. God is not self-serving. In fact, God opposes the proud man who leads like a self-serving, self-absorbed dictator. Whether it’s aggressive bullying or passive manipulating, God opposes this man.
And the woman who opposes this kind of man stands right next to Christ, in submission to Christ as he and she both oppose this kind of man. I need my wife to oppose me when I am being an overbearing bully or a fear-filled coward. And when she opposes me in these moments she is submitting to Christ and she’s loving me.
A woman is not called to submit to a man who demands something that is unbiblical or ungodly. I heard a story of two couples who were playing cards together. One of the wives was oddly silent to the point that it became uncomfortable enough for the other couple to ask what was going on. In answer, the husband of the silent wife motioned for her to answer the question to which she explained that she often said things that embarrassed her husband so they agreed that she would submit to him and remain silent until he gave her permission to speak. Can you imagine the self-absorbed, self-serving heart of this man and the suffering of this woman?
This was their interpretation and application of this text. This is the precise problem with interpreting a text for your self outside the rules of proper interpretation. God does not forbid you to speak publically out of fear of you embarrassing him. Wives are called here to submit to their husbands as their husbands lead like the Lord.
If the behavior or the decisions of your husband is clearly not godly then you are not called to submit and just go along with the flow. If you are a wife or if you are a woman who is thinking about becoming a wife, your husband or your husband-to-be, doesn’t need you to serve his sinful desires. He may want you to serve his sinful desires and let him get away with it but he doesn’t need you to. And furthermore you wouldn’t be loving him to serve those desires by ignoring them.
So what does biblical submission look like for a woman? How does a woman put this into practice? The answer to that question is tied to the principle of Biblical headship. There cannot be biblical submission without biblical headship. If there is no head there is no living body to submit. If there is no Christ then there is no church body. If there is no husband then there is no wife.
Think about the mystery of that as we look at the next phrase concerning headship.
#2: The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior…
The image here is really simple. We men need simple pictures and God in his grace gives us a simple picture of Biblical headship. The husband is the head of the wife just like Jesus is the head of the church just like a body has a head just like the head does things for the good of the body it is attached to.
Men, your body does what your head tells it to do. When your head decides to walk East your body follows. When your head decides to eat something your body follows it’s direction. When your head decides to do something your body follows. And your head usually tells your body that this direction will be good for it. In your head you do not consciously tell yourself to do things that will be harmful to your body. Now your head may be deceived for multiple reasons which is why we need someone to help us get our heads on straight sometimes. Oftentimes that gift comes in the form of our wives or our wives-to-be. Wives are given to us as helpers. Not to do the laundry and the dishes and have sex whenever and however we want. Wives are given to us to help us become more like Jesus.
So headship has to do with leadership and leadership has to do with sacrificial servant-hood. This is the kind of headship that we see modeled in Christ. He left the comfort of Heaven therefore we do not seek comfort in marriage. He patiently instructs his bride through the teaching and modeling of his Father’s Word. Therefore our words and actions should teach and model the Bible in our marriages. And finally, and most explicitly from our text, Jesus gave himself away on behalf of sinners to the point of death with great joy. Therefore a man is called to perform the responsibility of biblical headship by joyfully dying to his sinful desires instead of using his wife or his wife-to-be like a personal play-toy.
So what does Biblical headship look like? How does a man put this into action? Think about these four simple words: Know, Lead, Feed, Protect. We men are called to know our wives like Jesus knows his sheep. We are called to lead our wives like Jesus leads his church. We are called to feed our wives like Jesus feeds his church. We are called to protect our wives like Jesus protects his church. Think about these principles of headship one at a time.
Husbands are called to know their wives. Jesus knows every hair on your head and he knows every thought, every desire, every emotion and every experience (good or bad, holy or sinful) that you’ve experienced and he loves you completely. A man should labor hard to know his wife’s emotions, desires and thoughts. He should care for her and tenderly seek to understand her by spending the currency of his time to get to know her unselfishly. The key here is questions more than statements. A man should use questions to draw out the inner workings of his wife not in a way that exploits or shames or guilt’s or manipulates her for her failures but in a way that seeks to understand and care for her.
Husbands are called to lead their wives. Jesus leads his church by setting direction and modeling holiness. Jesus doesn’t sit around passively behind his computer screen or football game while his bride makes all the decisions. And he certainly doesn’t come out from hiding behind al those hobbies to degrade or belittle his bride into serving him. Jesus is constantly interacting with us through his Spirit. And his example in holiness and commitment to interacting with us is obvious in his work at the cross. We men should be the models of what it means to walk with Jesus in our homes. Our decisions must be flavored with the seasoning and the aroma of the gospel.
Husbands are called to feed their wives. Jesus is the Word who became flesh and dwelt among us. He is the bread of life. The table he invites every man and woman to is the dining table of the gospel. Men love to feed on stats, hobbies, sports, social media, politics, etc. The list is a mile wide and an inch deep when it comes to what we men love to feed on. But we are called to feed on Christ and to feed our wives from the deep reservoirs of our satisfied souls. The man who does not feed on Christ cannot feed his wife in the presence of Christ and therefore that man should not endeavor to pursue a wife until Christ becomes the main course of his daily diet because if Jesus isn’t the main course then his wife will become the main course. Practically this looks like regular conversations in the Word of God and regular times of prayer together.
Husbands are called to protect their wives. Jesus protects us from the wolves within and wolves without. The wolves of our own desires inside of us need to be shot in the head. And the wolves in the culture outside of us need to be strangled. Jesus does this by teaching us the truth by the power of his Spirit who leads us into the truth that sets us free from our wolves. Likewise, we men must protect ourselves and our wives from inner and outer wolves through the regular application of the truths of God’s Word. This simply means regular involvement in church gatherings where the Word of God is preached faithfully, small groups where the Word of God is applied faithfully and family devotions where the Word of God is digested together.
So in summary here, headship is about selfless and sacrificial knowing, leading, feeding and protecting. This kind of headship doesn’t seek to satisfy the inner desires of loneliness or insecurity. This kind of leadership seeks the good of someone else. And it’s empowered by a vital and life-giving relationship with Jesus.
Men if this doesn’t describe you and you are married then it’s time for repentance and help. If this describes you and you are not married then you should not pursue a wife until you repent and seek help. A strong man asks for help. A weak man shrugs this off and goes alone.
Women, if you are married to this man, get some help. Get a hold of some men in the church that you know model this kind of headship and ask them to come alongside your husband. Find some women who have husbands who walk this out well and ask those women to support you. If you are not married but are looking for a man, use this principle of biblical headship as the qualifiers and disqualifiers for the man you choose.
There are young men and young women all over in our community that are looking to both the men and the women in our church family to help them and to lead them rightly in this regard. Biblical submission begins with Biblical headship. Without Biblical headship in marriage there is no such thing as Biblical submission in marriage.
#3: As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Again, Paul is saturating his instructions here to husbands and wives with the illustration of Jesus and his bride. Jesus loves his bride so much that he gave his life in a horrific death for her so that she could submit in everything to his selfless and sacrificial leadership. The word everything here is not meant to be a blanket statement for men to unlovingly beat their wives with.
God did not give Eve to Adam so that she could do all of his laundry, keep the house clean, keep the kids out of his hair, cook tasty meals, sit quietly at the game table, run and fetch the beer and have sex whenever and however he wanted to.
The “everything” word here means everything under the banner of Christlikeness. And being like Jesus means loving like Jesus. So ladies, there will be times when your husband makes a decision for the direction of the family that you are concerned about. You need to know that you have every Biblical right to go to your husband and share your concerns. Oftentimes, my decisions have been swayed by my wife’s insights and push-back.
Men, you need to actively listen to your wives. You should not ignore, belittle, argue or downplay her insight. To do this is not Christlike. You should in fact seek out her thoughts and feelings on every decision you make and you should make the best decision for her and your families’ good not for your own comfort and certainly not for your own advancement.
Lastly, ladies there may be times where you have shared your concerns and then given your husband the blessing of making the final decision. I personally would encourage you to have the courage to not give in until you know without a shadow of a doubt that your man has arrived at his decision after careful and prayerful consideration of all the pieces.
Until then he is not qualified to make the final decision and for you to enable him to make said decision is not only unloving to him but it’s dishonoring to Jesus and it could have further consequences for others. You may not agree with your husband. But submission in this regard begins where agreement ends. But submission is not commanded in a marriage where there is no evidence of the man leading like Jesus.
Final word to women on this matter. In regards to a woman who is married to an unbeliever. You cannot expect that man to make decisions under the authority of the kingship of Jesus Christ. But you can pray for him and the principles are still the same. Don’t submit to ungodly decisions or requests from your husband. Don’t fight against decisions that fall in the grey spaces. Model Christ like love to him and pray that Jesus gets a hold of him.
Conclusion…
In conclusion I want to say that when it comes to submission and headship we will not always get this right. But, as with the old illustration of the triangle, when a wife is looking to Jesus in relationship and prayer and when a husband is looking to Jesus in relationship and prayer the two of them will mutually submit and lead in a way that meets at the cross of Christ.
Another way of saying this would be to say that when a woman is running after Jesus and asking him to help her to submit and when a man is running after Jesus and asking him to help him to lead they will inevitably look over at each other and see their mate running alongside them in the same direction towards Jesus.
This picture of submission and headship is an invitation for each of us to meet at the cross of Christ where our failures and our weaknesses meet our bloody, beaten and resurrected Savior. And as those two tensions meet at the foot of the cross the world will see the bride of Christ rise up in all her beauty and the nations will know that the God who parted the Red Sea, the God who knocked down the walls of Jericho and the God who left the tomb empty is alive and well and he is good and loving and true. Amen?