Old westerns are some of my favorite movies (along with mob movies but that’s another post). From a very young age my mom helped me to develop a love for Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Roy Rogers, The Lone Ranger, Big Valley, Wagon Train… and the list is endless because there is a million mile long collection of good old westerns to pick from.
I think the reason my mom helped to cultivate this love within me is because I grew up with an endless stream of horrible male figures coming through our home. My mom in her singleness was super codependent and could’t find a healthy dude to save her life so there was this long list of dudes that she depended on over the years. These men were cheaters, angry, violent, abusive, drunk, drug addicts, hungry for sex, takers, not givers. Physically present but emotionally absent. So how do you combat these unhealthy influences? Introduce your son to the men of the old western film genre!
The men in these old westerns were the hero. They fixed what was wrong and set the chaos back into right order and defeated the bad guys and rescued the family that was being persecuted and won the love of the pretty lady and taught others how to stand up for themselves. And they typically did all of this with a tough as nails, gritty, in your face sort of courage. The sort of courage that overcame their worst fears and disabling emotions. And I was instantly drawn to these men as role models. Much better then the men who shared my mom’s bed with all of their destructive physical presence and emotional absence.
Emotions are powerful motivators. Emotions can motivate me to great deeds of courage or shameful deeds of cowardice. Over the years I’ve struggled with my fair share of emotions and their effects on my decisions, my relationships and my ministry. Looking back over the years I feel like I was mostly unaware of how unhealthy and destructive my emotions could be but I’m thankful for the host of friends, counselors and mentors who’ve courageously gotten in my face over the years and helped me to mature in how I process my emotions.
One friend taught me something called “The Guilt–> Fear–> Destructiveness Trap”. It looks like this: I tend to live with a deep internal sense of guilt over something and then I begin to live in fear that I’ll be found out to be guilty and then I do destructive things which then leads me back into a guilty feeling which then leads back into a fearful feeling which then leads back into destructive behavior. And the cycle continues. And around and around we go!
Let me flesh this out a little. This feeling of guilt constantly speaks into my heart and mind telling me that if I would just do things this way or if I wouldn’t have done things that way then the circumstances of my life would be better. If I would just be a better listener then those friends would still be my friends. If I could preach better then our church would grow faster. If I hadn’t struggled so much with sexual sin over the years then my wife and children wouldn’t have experienced so much pain.
There’s an element of truth in this emotional voice of guilt which is why it’s easy to believe all the time. Sometimes I am guilty of something like when I explode in anger or when I get lazy with my budget or when I ignore my wife and kids or when I entertain a lustful glance or thought. In these cases I usually beat myself up internally while trying to project the facade that I’m ok. This is unhealthy enough but this part of the process isn’t typically the most destructive for me.
When I feel guilty for something that is completely out of my hands, that’s when I think guilt is the most destructive for me and for others around me. When I can’t fix the pain from growing up in a broken family system or when I can’t do something else to bring restoration to a fractured friendship or when I can’t say or do anything to end the cycle of brokenness in someone else’s life or when I just plainly can’t fix every broken thing on this planet. Then I feel an almost overwhelming sense of guilt which then leads to an even more overwhelming sense of fear.
Living in guilt leads to living in fear which then leads to destructive behavior. I have a tendency to live in fear when I don’t process my feelings of guilt properly. Imagine how guilty I feel when I realize that I haven’t processed my feelings of guilt properly! And I digress! Back to the point. Fear follows guilt. As soon as I believe I am guilty for something, fear is right there waiting to jump into the sinking boat of my self-loathing and depression.
Fear can motivate me to either hide from or enter aggressively into a conversation that has the potential for conflict because I feel a strong sense of guilt deep inside that I’ll either be too harsh or too passive. I’m afraid that my performance will further injure the situation or there won’t be any positive results so I either hide from it or I enter into it too aggressively. And it’s not just that I feel these things deeply. There is a host of critics and enemies and bystanders always waiting to chime in their disaproval.
Fear is powerful. I’m afraid of failure at every juncture. I’m afraid of being found out to be a fake at every turn. I’m afraid of being disqualified completely from God’s love. I’m afraid of losing long time friends. I’m afraid of failing as a dad. I’m afraid of failing as a husband. I’m afraid of being a heretic in my preaching. I’m afraid of missing a fundraising opportunity because of my fear. I’m afraid that my children will reject me. I’m afraid that my wife will find someone sexier. I’m afraid the denomination and network we belong to will realize they made a huge mistake letting me join their ranks.
Guilt leads to fear which leads to unhealthy behavior. For me, the unhealthy behavior swings from passivity to aggression. Maybe I’m passive aggressive. Most people tell me they think I’m typically either aggressive or passive rather than passive aggressive. So for now I’ll stick with that. My tendency is to become destructively aggressive: too harsh, quick to speak, overbearing, using words of guilt, belittling, angry tones, threatening = destructive aggression. Or I can sometimes be destructively passive: I stay silent, ignore things, check out, give up, I think “I’ve tried a thousand times so why try again” = destructive passivity.
Guilt–> Fear–> Destructiveness. What’s the remedy? How do I fix this? Where’s the get healthy pill? My friend who showed me this process played it out simply this way: The remedy for guilt is forgiveness and the remedy for fear is acceptance and the remedy for destructiveness is freedom. In short, when I am struggling with Guilt–> Fear–> Destructiveness I need to preach: Forgiveness–> Acceptance–> Freedom to myself.
In Christ I am forgiven for all of my shortcomings and failures. In Christ I am completely accepted by my heavenly Father who loves me. In Christ I am set free from my destructive behaviors and patterns to live in love towards God and others. Christ is my substitute and he paid the price for my failures. Christ generously gives me all of his goodness so that I am accepted and welcomed into God’s presence. Christ sends his Spirit into me so that I am enabled to live in the freedom of loving God rather than the bondage of guilt, fear and destructiveness. The following passages have helped me over the years to live out of a deep sense of: Forgiveness–> Acceptance–> Freedom.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death…
For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons by whom we cry ‘Abba Father!’…
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified…
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ” Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?…
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
(Romans 8:1-2; 14-15; 28-30; 35; 37-39)