In his book “Pastor: A Memoir” Eugene Peterson says that “Not much transfers from other vocational roles to who we are, what we do.” The book as a whole really resonated with me but this line from the afterword especially caught my attention as he masterfully described the uniqueness of the role of pastor and I must admit that I often struggle with recognizing when I am slipping into an identity crisis. When I am slipping into being formed more by what’s on the outside rather than what’s on the inside.
I think it’s true that we are formed both internally and externally. In other words, I think that my inner self is shaped by internal rhythms of deep reflection, rest and repentance as I commune with God which directly shapes the way I perceive and respond to external things such as work, behavior, suffering and triumph. But at the same time, I think my external experiences and how I respond to those external experiences directly shapes and molds my understanding and connectedness to who I am.
My external life most definitely flows out of my internal life but that does not mean that my internal life is not directly affected by my external life. The problem with identity crisis, I think, is when I become malnourished or imbalanced in the connection between my inner life and external life.
What I’m talking about here is the kind of imbalance that takes place when a person becomes a hermit and begins to lack the external communal connectedness that is vital for emotional and relational health. Or the kind of imbalance that takes place when a person who is the life of the party and cannot be alone for any longer than 10 seconds because they are afraid of their own image in the mirror and lacks the internal fortitude that self awareness and self-evaluation cultivates.
For instance, when I study the Scriptures and spend time with the Lord in silence, solitude and prayer, I am pressing the pause button on the movie of my life to regain a fresh perspective on who I am in Christ. This radically reorients the way I interact with and respond to the external experiences and circumstances of my life. One friend of mine, quoting someone much smarter than either of us, said recently that “you’ll never practice a life giving presence with people until you’ve spent adequate time in the life giving presence of your Heavenly Father”. What a refreshing reminder right?
But I think it’s also true that I am being shaped internally when I am engaged in the work of any of my roles as a husband, a daddy, a friend or a pastor. My experience and understanding of my identity as a loved son of God is cultivated in new ways as I live among people externally and as I pull away into internal disciplines of silence and solitude. My understanding of what God says through me is shaped by what he says about and to me. Simultaneously, what God wants to speak prophetically about and to me is shaped by what he says through me. This is an inside out, outside in process of identity formation.
It’s important to notice what’s happening deep within me when I utter a harsh word towards someone or gossip or entertain a lustful glance or work more hours than I should or veg out on the couch in front of the tv or dominate a conversation with my accumulation of knowledge or avoid people I think are difficult or rush in like a fireman ready to put out every flame burning out of control. It may be that I’m struggling in these areas because I desire control or power or comfort or pleasure or acceptance. This is outside in formation. It’s asking the question, “What do I notice on the outside that is directly affecting what’s happening on the inside”?
Likewise, it’s important to notice what’s happening externally or circumstantially when I feel depressed, angry, lonely, alone, fearful, anxious, happy, bitter, hurt or resentful. It may be an external driving force that is out of my control such as a friend betrays me or a loved one dies or the car breaks down or that financial risk I took crumbles to the ground or the person I’ve been investing in melts down their lives. This is inside out formation. It’s asking the question, “What do I notice on the inside that is directly affecting the outside”?
Holding a new-born baby, sitting with a friend who is suffering physically or emotionally, counseling a person who is struggling with a besetting sin, preparing and delivering a sermon to a room full of people (some listening and some sleeping), wrestling in the process of writing, developing systems of leadership development, engaging in a difficult conversation where someone needs to be rebuked and tempering that with offering encouragement and practical direction, giving my attention to my children without coming across like they’re taking up precious time, asking my wife questions to draw her out while gently reminding her of who Jesus says she is… these experiences and many more describe the external world I live in. They do not define me but they do help to shape my understanding and connectedness to who and whose I am.
But… who am I? Deep down inside… who am I? And how do I stay connected to who I am so that what I do or what I experience externally does not overtake me so that I become some kind of human doing instead of a human being? How does who I really am deep within the canals of my soul stay alive so robustly that the surface externals of my life are life giving and healthy? If there’s a key to practicing balance in this rhythm of inside out outside in identity formation, what is it?
Maybe the better question is… who is the key? Am I the key to forming my own identity? If I’m the key then I don’t think the door is getting unlocked because I’m an awfully broken key! This passage of Scripture has been really helpful to me because it prophetically speaks to my soul about whose and who I am!
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.” – Ephesians 1:3 – 6