Have you ever known someone struggling with addictive behavior who has been told that their addiction is due in part to their low self-esteem?
I come from a long history of addictions. My family has deep roots in various addictions from drugs to alcohol to sexuality to the constant pursuit of material belongings. The church I am part of planting is bursting at the seams with people who are currently struggling or have struggled very recently with various forms of addiction. Thankfully I am witnessing the Lord’s power at work as he continues the process of freeing me and many others in our community from these behaviors though it has been a slow process – sometimes much slower than I wished it would be.
Throughout my own journey of being set free from addictive behaviors I’ve noticed the tendency (in myself and others) to try an approach that treats self-esteem as the root issue connected to addictive behavior. The common approach I’ve experienced and observed is that “I need to build my self-esteem through the achievement of steps and goals that will help me overcome my addictive behavior.” But the problem with this approach is that it communicates that, “I am broken and my performance is the key to me being healed and the benchmark to realize my healing is how I feel about myself.”
Am I really the best answer to fix my brokenness? Am I really healed just because I take steps and pursue goals and feel good when I achieve them? What happens when I fail again? How do I feel then? Am I healed then? How’s my self-esteem doing then? Do I start over on my list of steps to perform? Do I minimize my sin? Do I blame others for my failures? Do I ignore the cycle of performance & failure? What is it that is really motivating my performance at this point?
In unit 7 of Porterbrook Learning Module entitled Pastoral Care 2 the author says, “Self-esteem often sounds like another way of saying self-love. The problem we have as humans is not that we love ourselves too little, but that we love ourselves too much. Whatever opinion we have of ourselves, we are beset with a preoccupation with ourselves.” Furthermore the author says “The radical nature of Christian theology means that it produces God-esteem rather than self-esteem. As a result, the individual is left worshipping God rather than admiring self.”
In other words… The key to overcoming addictive behavior is not the performance trap of building self-esteem. The key to overcoming addictive behavior is hearing, understanding, believing and applying the gospel moment by moment. The key is reciprocal love. Receiving the unconditional love of God through repentance & faith in Christ which results in learning to “love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and our neighbor as ourselves” (Luke 10:37).
So the question now changes from “How can I overcome this addictive behavior and therefore build my self-esteem” to “How can I as an adopted child of God receive the love of God and then love him, myself & others as he sets me free & heals me”? Then when I stumble, instead of minimizing, ignoring & hiding from my sin or performing to cover my sin & fix myself, I can continue to receive God’s unconditional love towards me and return love to him through confession of sin, repentance, faith & obedience as I grow in holiness that produces worship of God rather than self.